Anyway, pending some mooted and sinister legislation, you can find it here:

“Lay of the Last Survivor” | Okkervil River | I Am Very Far”

My favorite song of 2011

This is Hofgrir Horse-Crusher

I didn’t buy a horse from Hofgrir. They don’t seem to run any faster than you can run, and I didn’t work out until later that they allow you to fast-travel to areas you’ve visited before, even if you’re overburdened. I’d heard that they were pretty handy against wild animals, even heard tales of horses killing dragons. But I didn’t need a horse.

Hofgrir Horse-Crusher, though, is also a drinker, and a brawler, and when I came across him, he challenged me to a brawl. In taverns all across the land, drunks and mercenaries will challenge you to a fistfight, and bet money on themselves to win, like a bunch of battered Pete Roses. Hofgrir wanted to fight me for a 200 Septim wager, and cocky adventurer that I am, I accepted.

But my purse was running light. I didn’t have the 200 gold to cover the wager. And Skyrim, for all of its beauty and scope and polish, didn’t know how to handle the situation. I got a quest item to defeat Hofgrir Horse-Crusher in an unarmed brawl, but talking to him didn’t give me the option to trigger the fight, and putting my weapons away and punching him in the face started a criminal assault and landed me in the custody of the Riften city watch. I paid my bounty and left town, and started to accept a lot of other quests from a lot of other people.

Seventy gameplay hours later, I was the leader of the Thieves Guild in Riften, a member at the Bard’s College in Solitude, the Archmage at the College of Winterhold, the Harbinger of the Companions in Whiterun, The Listener, leading the shadowy Dark Brotherhood from a Sanctuary north of Dawnstar, Thane in several of the holds of Skyrim, and holder of several Daedric artifacts, and I was thinning out my miscellaneous quests before I started the main story missions. And finally the only quest left to tackle on my active list was to defeat Hofgrir in an unarmed brawl.

So I went back to the stables at Riften, and tried, again and again, to get him to acknowledge our old wager. Sometimes he would taunt me, asking me if I was back to fight as I approached, but the quest was well and thoroughly broken, and I couldn’t get him to fight me the way the game wanted.

But as I sat in my office chair, bleary-eyed with cramping hands, another thought occurred to me, and I made my character crouch behind a horse and wait. A minute later, Hofgrir stretched his arms and headed into the stable building, and I picked the lock behind him and followed.

He didn’t see me, crouching there behind him. I was an accomplished cat-burgler by then. He didn’t hear me draw my Legendary Glass Sword. And he gave only a single choking cry as I struck. I hid in the corner as his assistant came into the room and asked aloud, “Gods, what’s happened?”

The words “Failed: Defeat Hofgrir Horse-Crusher in an unarmed brawl” faded into the loading screen as I stole back out into the Riften night.

Hofgrir Horse-Crusher is dead, and his stables may well go to ruin. And maybe my conscience is cloudy, but my quest log is mercifully clear.

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

1Q84 is a long, sprawling novel by Haruki Murakami that fans of Haruki Murakami will like. That probably sounds like the stupidest sentence ever written, but I will elaborate. If someone says to you “I am reading a novel by Haruki Murakami,” you should immediately have the following thoughts. “There is some girl who has strange abilities, and some boy who loves her, and she will probably go missing. Also: cats. Crazy things will happen in a very normal world, and only the people directly involved will notice that anything has changed.” You are correct in nearly every particular. There aren’t any important cats, just a cat metaphor.

Three Murakami novels have come out since I started reading him: Kafka on the Shore, After Dark, and now 1Q84. 1Q84 definitely has the worst title, and after a few chapters, when you understand the significance of it, you may find yourself in the really tedious position of explaining it. The two protagonists each have a different understanding of the way their world has changed, and one of them uses 1Q84 to describe the new reality. The other refers to it as the Town of Cats, after a story he reads on a train. That would have been a lousy and misleading title, too.

But you guys, it’s amazing. Read it and read it again and never stop reading it. There are some creepy and offputting things, and it’s 900-odd pages long, but it’s fantastic. And then we’ll talk about it. Because I have a lot of things to say but I don’t know anyone who is going to read this.

From the ACE Broadcasting Network:

The Adam Carolla Show | Website | iTunes

I used to turn my radio on, down way low, in the middle of the night to listen to Loveline. Teenagers would call in, Adam would laugh at them, and Dr. Drew would mother them and reassure them that, no, you can’t get pregnant via anal sex. Adam left the show in the mid 00′s to take over Howard Stern’s slot on the radio, but we didn’t get that morning show here, so it wasn’t until his radio show ended and his podcast began that our love affair picked up again. He gets good guests, he asks tough questions, he goes off on wild rants, and he puts out at least an hour every weekday.

From Maximum Fun:

Jordan, Jesse, Go! | Website | iTunes

Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorn bring in a guest every week–comedians, filmmakers, friends, and in one notable case, webcomic artists–but they don’t exactly interview them. Instead this show is free-flowing and conversational, following any tangent. It’s a weekly, and one of the first podcasts I listen to on a Monday. This is a priority listen for me, and I don’t think I’ve ever had two episodes waiting to be listened to at the same time.

My Brother, My Brother and Me | Website | iTunes

Three brothers get together once a week and give advice that their disclaimer warns ‘should never be followed.’ When questions aren’t forthcoming, they pay it even further forward and answer interesting Yahoo! Answers questions. This isn’t the only advice show I listen to, but in this case, it isn’t really about the advice, it’s about the interaction between the hosts and the colorful turns of phrase they employ. If you heard me say something “wasn’t really my jam” in the last six months, or talk about “rearranging some guts,” you were hearing MBMBaM second hand. I bought the app, guys.

Judge John Hodgman | Website | iTunes

The shortest podcast in my regular rotation. John Hodgman (who you probably know as “a PC”, but maybe if you’re awesome as the author of “The Areas of My Expertise” etc.) acts as a Judge to settle skype disputes between roommates, lovers, families and friends. His judgments may not be binding, but they’re pretty fun.

From the Hot Dog Network:

Advice Hot Dog | Website | iTunes

Zack and Roy answer questions. This one is probably going to be a hard sell, but if you like the web game Kingdom of Loathing and its attendant radio shows, you should definitely check this one out.

Video Games Hot Dog | Website | iTunes

The makers of Kingdom of Loathing broke off half of their Thursday radio show and converted it into discussion of other video games. They play old classics together, discuss game development, and have a good time.

120 Minutes of Kingdom of Loathing | Website | iTunes

The creators of the web game Kingdom of Loathing did two two-hour internet radio shows a week, talking about the game and life in general. The Monday show is Jick and Mr. Skullhead, the Thursday show is Jick, Hotstuff, and Riff. This podcast is the archive of those shows. It isn’t strictly a part of the Hot Dog network, but this is probably the best place to stick this.

From the Nerdist network:

The Indoor Kids | Website | iTunes

The Indoor Kids is a videogame podcast hosted by husband-and-wife team Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V Gordon. They’ve had some great guests and some great conversations, and are a recent favorite. I’m listening to the most recent episode now, and that makes me all caught up.

Podcasts about Movies:

Doug Loves Movies | Website | iTunes

Doug Benson and his comedian friends play movie trivia in front of a live audience. Either you like Doug Benson or you don’t, but this is a solid listen.

Overthinking It Podcast | Website | iTunes

The guys at Overthinking it tackle a lot of things, not just movies, but movies are often the centerpiece of each episode. They do, as promised, overthink and overanalyze, and that can be very entertaining.

Podcasts about Video Game Music:

Top Score with Emily Reese | Website | iTunes

Emily Reese of Minnesota Public Radio interviews video game composers, over their soundtracks. It’s great for classical music fans and great for videogame fans. But maybe you wanted to hear some old-school music?

The Legacy Music Hour | Website | iTunes

The Legacy Music Hour focuses on the best music of the 8-bit and 16-bit eras, so this is where you will go to hear Mega Man tracks, Final Fantasy tracks, etc. There’s a big backlog here, so it’ll take you a long time to clear it out even if you get really caught up.

Matthew: That makes me happy. That makes me think we’re all gonna ride crescent fresh from here on out.

Me: Then this will either inspire you or overwhelm you: http://cmdrriker.tumblr.com/

Matthew: Is that somebody posting Franks pictures…just because?¹

Me: Yeah, because that’s what they are interested in. Jonathan Franks as commander rikers.

Matthew: I like the Make It Tso picture, but the others…make me confused.

Me: Cause your wiener tingles?

Matthew: Yeah, dude. I got tingle-dong, no doubt. NO DOUBT, SON!

¹ Matt has a signed picture of Jonathan Frakes labelled “Jonathan Franks”

Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior

We assumed this thing wouldn’t pass the ten-minute test, but we ended up watching the entire movie. Don’t bother. It’s not life changing. But not the unmitigated disaster we were expecting.

Chasing Amy

Guys don’t tell Katie I said this, because I think she really likes the movie, but what the fuck? Didn’t you people all get together when this came out and decide it was good? Why? It’s awful.

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Hey, guess what? Once again, all myths are true.

Ok, so this is a pretty harmless book, I don’t want to harp on it much, but at one point a vampire character scoffs at the idea of not having a reflection, because after all she is a physical being, but move back 50 pages and she’s explaining that she can’t come into a room unless she’s invited in.

I don’t advocate living your life this way, and I understand that it may be evidence of a mental illness, but that was almost enough to make me put the book down.

View all my reviews

The Tapestry

The Hound of Rowan is a story about a troubled orphan boy who discovers that he is a wizard when he is invited to join a secret wizarding school out in the countryside. Along the way he makes friends with a talented know-it-all and a mischevious underachiever, explores a world of magical creatures in which all myths are true, and sneaks out under the nose of his teachers to have wild adventures. Unfortunately Max McDaniels’s education will not be a normal and happy one, as he lives in dark times: a long vanquished enemy of incredible power is returning.

So… Harry Potter?

Yes. Yes it is. The first book is almost point for point Harry Potter. This is maybe smart. Harry Potter was big. Bigger than Big. Huge. But it is not inspiring. Luckily it’s not the last book in the series.

The Second Siege, book 2 of the series, diverges from the Harry Potter mold significantly. The school of witchcraft and wizardry paradigm falls away, as danger comes to the world much faster than in the Potter books. The stakes are raised, the writing is stronger, and this is where the first really new ground is laid. But then…

In The Fiend and the Forge, the Harry Potter themes creep back in. The hero abandons the relative safety of his magical environment and goes out into a hostile world on his own. He gathers magical items and allies and has a direct confrontation with the big bad. The difference from the Harry Potter books here is that this is the middle book in a planned series, not the end, so the story isn’t over.

And hey, these were pretty solid. If you read these as an adult, you don’t have to kill yourself afterwards. I’d give these things a solid B-.

But…

Fablehaven

Fablehaven is the story of a young boy and girl discovering that they are heirs to a secret magical world in which all myths are true, and of course they cannot simply explore and enjoy their new discovery, because the world is in immediate peril from long-vanquished enemies. I get that it sort of has to be this way. You can’t have a series where the protagonists have always known about the magical world, because you get left with enormous exposition problems (if everyone knows what’s happening, why would they ever explain it?). And you can’t have three extremely boring books about a magical world running efficiently with no threats, because no one would care, even if you somehow dropped hints that shit was about to get unreal in book 4. So… eh.

Where Tapesty gets off to a rocky, derivative start, Fablehaven is strong from the get go. The writing is better, the characters are better, the plot is better, the universe is more interesting, &c.

Rise of the Evening Star does most of the work of establishing the various players, factions, and ideologies in the universe, at the expense of a slightly less interesting plot than the other books in the series. It’s good, but it’s a bridge to the main arc of the story, which begins in…

Grip of the Shadow Plague – by this point the protagonists are discovering their abilities, the factions are established, and the danger to the world is looming larger. The first two books were interesting, this one is actually good, sturdy solid.

Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary is the fourth book, which has a great climax. It’s questy, with desperate moments and solid characters. It’s probably the best book in the series, though I’m sure there are readers who prefer book 5…

Keys to the Demon Prison – Now this is still a solid book, a good read, &c., but I can’t understand why this wasn’t split into two books. So much of what goes on in the middle two thirds is hurried, skipping from day to day, leaving out details and character moments to race from set-piece to set-piece, that it’s easy to come up with some divisions that would have made sense and allowed a more measured pace and some better character work. There’s an afterword in which the author explains that he always envisioned a 5 book series, but if he crammed this all together in blind adherence to a 5 year-old outline, that seems like doing the series a disservice.

Taken all together, this series is the stronger of the two, although the Tapestry books aren’t all in yet. It’s B+/A- territory. I read most of it in big chunks, hours at a time.

So What Can We Do Better?

If you’re sitting down to write a children’s fantasy series, let me ask you a few questions:

1.) Does all the exposition have to be done in dialogue?

If you didn’t write the world as it was being discovered by the protagonist (if your protagonist had grown up in the magical world), what would be different? Are we worried that children won’t read passages without dialogue to learn the backstory? Is this fish-out-of-water trope really necessary to keep people engaged, or can we assume that an interesting magical world will be worth ferreting out? Is this half monkey-see and half “if the protagonist doesn’t kn ow anything about magic I don’t have to know anything about magic until it comes time to write the relevant sections”?

2.) Does there have to be a crisis that threatens the entire magical world?

If the enemies are small-time and their goals are small, does that mean the story will be boring? Would you expect every Poirot mystery to be a Regicide? Aren’t Hardy Boys mysteries interesting even though no one ever dies? Does magic automatically raise the stakes?

3.) Do ALL myths have to be true?

Do you have to have wizards and werewolves and vampires and satyrs and phoenixes and nagas? Do the norse myths and the indian myths and african myths all have to be concurrently true? Isn’t it conceivable that the magical world could be made up of only a few mythical creatures, or creatures outside of myth altogether? Is this a nod to multiculturalism (as in: if we put in greek monsters we’d better throw in some african ones, too, we can’t judge one culture’s myth as more valid than anothers)? Is it lazyness (as in: why should I think of magical entities when I can go to wikipedia and type in “zoroastrianism”)?

4.) Does the protagonist have to have special powers beyond those of the rest of the magicians around him?

Can’t we read about a team of competent magicians with normal magical powers? Does every hero have to be a genetically predisposed hero? Can’t these skills be learned? Isn’t there room for teamwork and strategy? Would you believe a story about a real world conflict that was only solved because one member of one faction was born with a special ability?

I don’t think the fact that these books are written for children means they have to follow any of the tropes I’m asking about. I don’t think the fact that they’re written about magical worlds means there’s no room for realism in plotting. I’m not even convinced that smaller stakes books wouldn’t be just as interesting.

—

I’ve been reading some other things, too, and I owe some reviews for them, but maybe they’ll be quicky goodreads reviews and not whatever this garbage became. Stay tuned.

So, this is the second book of a trilogy, and then there’s another trilogy, and then some other books, and when you’ve tallied it all up, you have something like 27 books in the series. And I’ve read the first two, but unless I get pneumonia and my reading time suddenly quadruples, I’m probably done, and I feel strange about it, because when all is said and done, I don’t hate these books.

The setting is imaginative. The stories move along at a good pace. The stories are interesting. If that was all their was to a book, this would be a pretty decent read.

But it isn’t.

The characters are garbage. They’re cardboard. The heroes never make any mistakes, but they also never do anything interesting. If anything they do is surprising, it isn’t genuinely surprising, it just wasn’t foreshadowed.

The writing, the style? Also largely nonsense. When I got to the end of the book, and I found myself wondering what happened in the next one, I had a flash of inspiration: I would much rather read the plot summary than the actual plot.

What I like about this series is the hierarchy, the relationships between people, the structure of the world, and how the events in the story impact that society. But since I don’t like or care about any of the individual people, it’s more than enough to just read what happened next, in bullet points or on a timeline.

So fuck it.



View all my reviews

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Surprisingly solid. I had pretty low expectations going into this, because I wasn’t a huge fan of the revisionist history return to the Ender’s Game timeline, but I just read it from cover to cover, or, since I’ve been doing a lot of reading on kindle for my iPhone, I tapped the right side of the screen until the book was done. There’s just something I like about post-war Ender, and this covers a really critical part of that story. So: good! Read!

(In an effort to post more often, I’ve decided to automatically repost my reviews from goodreads here. At the moment there aren’t a lot of reviews there, since all I’ve really done is rate books and mark that I’ve read them, but if this works out, you may eventually want to pick me up there, as well.)

my currently-reading shelf: