All children love LEGO, and I was no exception. I remember the first LEGO we ever got was secondhand, in a big pink bucket, and it was predominantly yellow pieces. I didn’t think too much about that at the time, but now I wonder if what we were really getting were pieces that no one wanted. I picked up LEGO sets as I could growing up, and my favorite themes were Space Police II and Blacktron II. Space has always been my favorite overall LEGO category.

After college I went to work at eBay, and that was dangerous. I had money, and I was on the site all day, and my LEGO collection grew drastically. It outpaced my ability to keep it organized, and store it. In bulk, I have over 200 pounds of the stuff now, down in the basement. Simultaneously, my desire to build bigger and more detailed creations meant devoting bigger and bigger spaces to each project. I reached a point where I didn’t want to spend twenty hours organizing, and without taking that time, my LEGO collection was unusable.

And then along came LEGO Factory (since rebranded DesignByMe) and LEGO Digital Designer. (See Footnote)

LEGO Digital Designer is a program for Mac and PC that allows you to build a model digitally from a large (but limited) series of parts. It’s a little bit of a performance hog, so I wouldn’t fire it up if you’re on a four year old laptop, but if your machine is recent, you can build ships of pretty astonishing sizes. (Don’t like ships? Build castles, or townhomes, or whatever appeals to you. I build spaceships.) You can upload and purchase physical versions of your models, print instructions, even take screenshots. It has become my major hobby.

Exempli Fucking Gratia:

Footnote

Yeah, guys, I know that digital LEGO building precedes LDD by quite a while. My first experiments with it used MLCad and LDraw and POVRay, and there are many purists out there who consider this the only way to go, but I can’t get into it. Here’s why:

In LDD, pieces know how they’re supposed to stick together. In MLCad you get a nice grid, and you can change the grid size, and even position pieces numerically, but getting two pieces together in a sensible way is the world’s biggest pain in the ass. I spend all my time fighting the system, whereas LDD, which admittedly has a very limited palette and doesn’t know all of the ways that pieces can connect in the physical world, is very very quick to attach pieces the normal way, most of the time. In the time it would take to attach pieces in the usual plate to plate alignment in MLCad, I can work around LDD’s limitations to figure out a SNOT technique. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten past the tutorial in LDraw, but I can build 600 stud spaceships in LDD.

Also in LDD, you can import sub-assemblies and attach them to your module, which means you can build in a modular way and then do a final assembly. I’ve been doing this ever since I got my hands on the old Space Police II Galactic Mediator, and it’s nice to be able to build digitally how I build physically.

Now, if the problem is that I use MLCad instead of some better program, please, please let me know.

1. Ozma | “Battlescars” | Rock and Roll Part III

Of all the shooting stars I knew
I never felt at ease with anyone but you

2. The National | “Slow Show” | Boxer

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay
I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
Can’t I get a minute of not being nervous
And not thinking ’bout my dick

3. The Court and Spark | “Rooster Mountain” | Bless You
Listen at last.fm

I’d like to call big mama
Trade a pistol for some grain
Up on Rooster Mountain
We’re all sopping wet with rain

4. Great Lake Swimmers | “Your Rocky Spine” | Ongiara

I traced my finger along your trails
Your body was the map
I was lost in there
 
Floating over your rocky spine
The glaciers made you and now you’re mine

5. Hefner | “The Greedy Ugly People” | We Love The City
Listen at last.fm

I had her on the carpet twisting and squirming about
Trying to guess what she needs
Trying to guess what the fuss was about

First, a Mountain Dwarf Fighter, killed Jessica and Ijyb on DL2, killed a player ghost on DL3, and was killed by an orc mob on DL5, while running from another player ghost.

Second, a Mountain Dwarf Fighter, began worshiping Okawaru in the Ecumenical temple, and was immediately killed by an ogre on DL5.

Third, yet another MDFi, killed Jessica on DL2, killed by a scorpion on DL4.

Fourth, MDFi again, killed Sigmund on DL3, only to be killed by Jessica.

Fifth, MDFi, killed by Jessica (who is now clearly pissed), on DL4 after an unremarkable run.

Not doing so well, so I’ll stay away Mountain Dwarf Fighters for a while.

Sixth, a Demigod Wizard, was killed by a giant cockroach on DL1.

Seventh, a Minotaur Paladin, gained clarity, spit poison, and speckled scales mutations early on DL1, killed Jessica and Terence on DL4, but was killed by an ogre on DL5.

Eighth, a Human Priest of Zin, killed by an ogre on DL4 while reciting a poem about the law.

Ninth,  a Deep Dwarf Necromancer, was slain by a kobold on DL2, which is like the worst DD run I’ve ever had.

Tenth, a High Elf Gladiator, was killed by a worm on DL2. A worm.

Even worse. So back to the Mountain Dwarf Fighters, I guess.

Eleventh, MDFi, killed after 21 turns by a pack of kobolds throwing darts from across deep water. Possibly my worst run of any race or class, ever.

Twelfth, MDFi, began worshipping Okawaru in the Ecumenical Temple on DL4, killed a player ghost on DL6, and finally fell to a ten-headed hydra on DL8.

And that seemed like a good place to stop.

Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup is a free roguelike game, available from sourceforge. 0.5.2 is the current version. Like all roguelikes, it delights in being difficult. It is possible to get lower than DL8, and it is possible to return from the bottom of the dungeon with the Orb of Zot, but I have never accomplished it. Perhaps you will do better.

Today I had some dental work done (my mouth is still numb as I tried this), and for an hour, completely of its own accord, my tongue fought the dentist and his assistant to a near draw. During a break in the work, the dental assistant showed me one of her tools, which had a hard plastic extension, which my tongue had folded and creased. She told me that she was using both hands to hold my tongue still, and that she needed a massage after that workout. The dentist asked me if I bit my tongue when I ate (I don’t), and said that I have a huge tongue, which is very strong.

All I had been doing with it is eating and talking, and I was unaware that I have some kind of superhuman muscle-tongue. I don’t know if that can be exploited to my advantage, or if I really want to be known as the guy with the super strong tongue, but this is really a case of not knowing I could play the piano until I tried.

Incidentally, I have tried to play the piano. I cannot.

(Panel above from Achewood)

Another thing that churns up my stomach acid so much that I can’t see, walk, or cry is the dentist. Even if you are a lucky man, and have a job with medical and dental insurance, and make a little bit of money, going to the dentist is a little bit like spinning a wheel to find out what method of execution the state will be using. Let’s try the old compare and contrast method here:

Scenario #1 – Something is wrong with my foot

Something is wrong with my foot. It hurts, even when I’m not doing things like kicking a wall or shooting myself. It is a dull ache and does not prevent me from walking, so I call and make a regular appointment. Usually it will take about a week to get a non-emergency appointment, but sometimes it’s as soon as the same day. Upon arrival at the doctor’s office, I pay them $5. This is a ritual transaction that covers none of the actual cost of my treatment but deters hypochondriacs who may not have a lot of walking around money this month. The doctor examines my foot and determines the most likely cause of my pain. If necessary, the doctor refers me to another doctor, and the process is repeated. If I need an X-ray, that will cost me $10 more. (This, I secretly suspect, does actually cover the cost of my X-ray, because it is all digital now and it only requires a few minutes of the technician’s time.) If the doctor decides to give me narcotics for my pain, the prescription costs me $5 to fill. If I need a cane or crutches or a brace, I get those at a tremendous discount.

My foot problem has cost me less than $20, most likely.

Scenario #2 – Something is wrong with one of my teeth

Something is wrong with one of my teeth. Again, it is not an emergency, so I call for an appointment. This is kind of a wild card, because my dentist works in a very small office, and his schedule is pretty booked. But I’ve had good luck here, so let’s say this again, takes around a week, and maybe the very same day. When I arrive at the building, I don’t pay any money up front. This is because they want me to be able to smile in the exam, and also because if a hypochondriac were to wander in with an imaginary complaint, the doctor has a variety of whitening, straightening, and other cosmetic processes to offer. I am taken to a room and asked briefly about the tooth in question, and then given a full set of X-rays to determine whether or not the rest of my teeth are sound. The dentist recommends a course of treatment for my tooth, and any others that may be offensive, and then leaves the room. A special kind of lady then walks in. She is not a dentist, but she is very good at talking to insurance and credit companies on the phone. She hands you a sheet of paper with an alarmingly high number on it. This number is usually equivalent to between 50 and 100 foot treatments. On one of the lines on the sheet, she has estimated how much your insurance will pay. This number is a guess that a computer makes. The piece of paper lists some options for you, though they are usually all bad. Options include “Pay us now for any dental work we think we can convince you you need,” “Pay us 20% of that mess now, and pay for each treatment as you get it done,” and “open a new line of credit to pay us.”

After you have paid them, they give you another appointment, in about a week, and you come back and have your mouth repeatedly violated.

At some point, 6 weeks or a month later, you get a letter from your insurance provider. It can say one of four things: “we paid $x to your dentist,” where x is much more than the computer estimate; “we paid $y to your dentist,” where y is the exact amount of the estimate; “we paid $z to your dentist,” where z is alarmingly less than the estimate; or “we don’t think we have to pay anything. Here is a number you can call if you’d like to cry tears of humiliation and rage into your phone.” Clearly the first scenario is best, since you are theoretically entitled to a refund from your dentist, but even this is not an out-and-out positive scenario because, like the government, your dentist doesn’t pay you interest on the money you have overpaid, and there will always be a followup visit in which it is casually mentioned that you have credit towards your next terrible violation.

Dentistry is the worst

Which was to be demonstrated.

Appendices

Appendix A – A Working Couple

You and your spouse both work and both have insurance. You are now, theoretically, double insured. You should, therefore, always get insurance letter 1 above, but instead, both companies will decide that they are not liable for your dental work, so you will get duplicate insurance letter 4’s. Expect this.

Appendix B – Teeth

It is impossible to have a perfect set of teeth. Up to your teenage years, teeth will spontaneously fall out. During your teenage years, your teeth will not be straight enough. As an adult, your teeth will be decaying. You have millions of years of evolution behind you, but only for the last 500 years has it been common to live to see 40, and only for the last 50 has there been an expectation that a 40 year-old would still have all of his teeth. Animals that are serious about teeth have a lot more of them and regrow the ones that fall out.

This is a perfect setup for the dentist, because there is always something he can fix. If, however, he has been beaten to the punch, there can still be something wrong with your gums. Examples include too pink, not pink enough, too puffy, and not puffy enough.

Appendix C – Other types of coverage

It is possible that your medical or dental coverage doesn’t look like mine. That’s okay, because that’s fine. Actually going to the dentist is still terrible. For instance, consider that full X-ray series. When you go to the doctor because you have a cough, they don’t do an MRI looking for other things they can fix. Doctors still want to make money, but they are way less into drumming up their own business. Even a simple cleaning is like one of the circles of hell. Not one of the major ones, like for fornicators or regicides, but one of the peripheral ones, for–I don’t know–people who under report use tax to the state.

My brother is getting married to a very smart young lady he met in high school, close to ten years ago. That is, of course, delightful. His future parents-in-law are throwing a lovely dinner for them tonight, which is, of course, also delightful. My presence has been requested and required, and my brother and I are close, and I will, in a little under an hour, wrap up my own delightful fiancée and set out for what will, I’m sure, be a perfectly wonderful evening.

Except that I hate dressing up, hate going out, hate meeting new people, hate seeing the old people I already know, hate going to dinner at new restaurants, hate going to dinner with more than three other people at any restaurant, hate driving, hate parking, and hate everything else about virtually any social activity you could name. It has always, always been that way.

My long-tenured friends of long suffering understand this, at least academically, and when I don’t see them for weeks, in some cases months, they don’t take it hard. They know that I attend or fail to attend events as I am able, and that my ability to be social ebbs and flows according to no known calendar. I turned down an invitation to a housewarming party a month ago with no other explanation than “I can’t be in a house with 70 people right now.”

But I know that I’m missing out. When I see my friends, I have a good time. When I meet new people, I make new friends. When I force myself to go out and be social, I’m generally not leaving important projects undone. I’m not skipping out on anything more important than sitting in front of the TV, or reading a book. I’m not missing anything I’m going to regret. I’ve forced myself to be social before. In 2006 I had a chicken fight with some of my friends, seeing who would be the first to back down from a schedule of going out every night. I had the money to spend on the project, which gave me an advantage, but my friends didn’t have the crippling anxiety, which I felt evened it up nicely. My recollection is hazy now, but it was either 13 or 14 consecutive days that we saw each other. 13 or 14 nights that I didn’t spend alone.

In 2009 my lovely fiancée Katie moved in, so of course my nights have ceased to be nights alone, but if anything, that has weakened my resolve to go out and see people even further. I simply don’t get lonely. And the second half of the year especially, I’ve lived that way. I’ve seen my friends a few times, and I’ve seen my family a few times, but I’ev spent most of the year indoors, at home.

And it creates a kind of momentum that is difficult to overcome.

But luckily there are the holidays.

Thanksgiving got us out of the house, if only to go as far as to see my family, and after that had come and gone, Christmas pulled us together for the same. Then of course, we had a family dinner to spend some Christmas money, and finally, on Thursday night, we had a New Year’s Eve party to spread the love around to my friends.

And so tonight I will be going out with my fiancée, and my parents, and my brother and his fiancée to dinner, and yes, there will be some people there I haven’t met before. And in fact they are people who will one day end up on my family tree, so I should get used to the idea. Feelings are feelings and I will admit that I feel nervous and would just as soon not go, but I am going.

So wish me luck.

Today’s Pictures for Sad Children is about Ben Franklin:

This is what he does, so be cool about it, ok?

About Pictures for Sad Children:

John Campbell’s MWF comic is about many things. Sadness, happiness, having a dead roommate but not knowing he’s dead, when a heavy thing falls on you, and occasionally, running for ghost.  The archive is big, but you should still be able to work your way through it if you feel like you need to start right at the beginning. Not surprisingly (stick art being what it is), it is the writing that makes this comic such a winner.

This weekend’s Wonderella takes a shot at indie darlings, the Decemberists:

Predictably, the computer has difficulty. Of course, accusing an indie rock band of being pretentious is a little like calling the pope out for wearing his Mitre, but you listen to the Crane Wife parts 1, 2, and 3 and tell me if Justin Pierce isn’t too close for comfort here.

About Wonderella:

Wonderella is America’s most… American superhero? She cares exactly the minimum amount to get the job done, and, you know, just read it. It’s spectatcular. I honestly wish it were more than once a week. Notable enemies include Hitlerella.

Today’s Dinosaur Comics is about disappointment Thursday, and hits a little close to the mark:

27 year olds everywhere cringe.

About Dinosaur Comics:

Dinosaur Comics is Ryan North’s unusual, but long running and well regarded, web comic. The art is the same every day, but it’s so perfectly expressive that it isn’t distracting at all. Just look at that guy. Some weeks the strip is a dictionary of literary terms, some weeks it is a font of relationship advice. Most of the time I read my own thoughts in T-Rex and cringe. You will probably enjoy it.

Today’s Cat and Girl levels one of the most commonly-heard criticisms of Achewood, and furthermore, does so at a time when we haven’t even seen Molly in a strip in a full month.

The criticism is valid. It makes Achewood fans sick to admit it, but there aren’t a lot of ladies in the strip, and as the punchline of today’s Cat and Girl points out, Molly is really just a foil for Roast Beef. That said, it isn’t deep and realistic characters that make Cat and Girl such a good comic either. Cat eats paint, Girl is ambivalent about her hipsterism (obviously I make exception for the most well-fleshed character: Bad Decision Dinosaur). And yeah, Achewood doesn’t have the best crop of female characters (Tina, Ray’s Mom, Phillipe’s Mom… not an inspiring list), but what Chris Onstad does with the male characters makes it worthwhile. Dorothy Gambrell makes that clear with the first half of the joke I posted above. It is, of course, “well done, like Achewood?”

About Cat and Girl:

Cat and Girl is a long running comic, with archives back to 1999, about a cat, a girl, another girl, a boy, a vampire dude, hipsterism, consumer culture, and so on. It is highly likely that you will enjoy it. It’s also pretty likely that you didn’t need me to tell you that.  Written by Dorothy Gambrell and posting Tuesday/Thursday/Friday, if that makes any sense.